Sunday, July 26, 2009

Partner in Crime

I always have and will respect people who are in a relationship who end up marrying,
provided they stay happy and united till the end.
Cause the odds that you will find your life partner exactly as you had expected or dreamed of infinitesimally small. Its even harder than finding a diamond in a mine - cause you can buy a diamond from a shop, but you cant buy a partner according to your specifications ! (Though lot of entrepreneurs have tried this business-model to generate pairs!)
If you want the exact stats then I will give you the exact stats

Probability of finding a right partner is { 1/(6,706,993,152 ) } *1/2*1/2
where 6,706,993,152 - population count of the world
1/2 - probability that you like the woman
1/2 - probability that the woman likes you

= 1/26827972608
~ 1/(2*10^11)

Good Lord, the odds against you are higher than the speed of light !
And let alone the fact that I have not considered the sexual alignment, that can complicate the equation a lot.

Monday, July 20, 2009

Come Shit... I mean Sit.

The best part of being an animal, (by animal i mean non-human of course) is that you get to shit while you walk! Can you imagine humans doing that ? Chee! what a site that would be!
Forget how it would look,.. for a moment just imagine yourself doing that while you are walking. Got goose bumps right?! I just saw a buffalo shitting while it was walking. It made me contemplate more than freak me out.
Maybe this was the first utility ever to mark the pathway so that you dont get lost.
(Oh Yes! Now I know why "pants" were invented... people couldnt stand the site of each other doing "this" randomly say during hand shakes, during talks, during weddings..., else why do you think pants were invented?)
I couldnt in my wildest logical reasoning senses derive how do the animals generate ample pressure to do it while they are walking. I mean, thats insane. We humans face pressure problems even though we are all focus-focus in there, sitting in one place concentrating on the task at hand. And these animals do a multi-tasking job !? Thats unfair. And plus they dont have the gravitational support either, they force things out horizontally versus humans who help things out vertically.
And there is the third kind - Dogs- who are like in between, they like the 60 deg angle pose! Some times life is cruel on humans. These things definitely make you feel miserable. After all this thing goes down as one of the five pleasures of life. And btw have you ever heard a dog, sheep, buffalo fart? Woohaaa they dont have to worry about that either. Damn.

These are true "Managers" .. cause they can manage their "Shit" !

And I bet the word "shitting" was derived from "sitting" with just an addition of an "h". The reason i feel is cause "H" symbolizes the front view of how we sit for the task and "h" symbolizes the side view of it!

Thursday, July 16, 2009

The Plot

George's hand was trembling. If it was a cup and a saucer it would have rattled like hell, but it was a knife. A sparkling knife. He made himself strong, he was waiting -- waiting for it to come out. The knife had stains on it, real stains. Stains which stay back with the knife after the knife pierces through the flesh, cutting it through.
No time he had. He was out of time. Every thing was done now, any mistake would ruin things. George was aware of it. Things had worked out as he had planned. But he dearly wanted the knife to be cleaned.
He had another knife-victim lined up. He was waiting in the kitchen, he just prayed that it would show up in time this time around. The knife was dying to be cleaned of the stains! The substantiations had to be removed, had to be deleted.

The woman was happy, her gait was a ecstatic one! Briskly she covered ground with large happy steps. She almost galloped! She wished her son had been there as he used to be every year. But he was gone, he had to. She climbed the stairs rapidly as she never did before. Happiness was in the air, she was to call her son who was miles away from her. An air of disappointment spread suddenly around her with the fact that he had not called her for almost 3 months now. Was he alright ? Or did the big city fever make him forget his mother. These thoughts were spreading like venom through her brain, slowly killing her. She couldnt hold now. No she couldnt.
She moved quicker, eager to make a call.

George had only one knife, he couldnt afford to use it with stains. That was his rule. The knife gets a bad taste if you use it with out washing the previous stains. A rule he followed. He just wished that the damn thing would come out of the hole. The clock was ticking, he knew it was not long for his plan to be executed. His heart pounded. It was pumping blood so hard that he could feel the pressure on his veins. He could feel the liquid running through his body. He would not let this small stupid thing ruin his plan. A plan which he had worked out over and over in his mind for the past week.

And there came the devil from the hole, the tap hole - water sprang into action, gushing over the knife with such force that the stains washed out in a jiffy. He hurried through the knife like an ablution on a ritual day.
His blood resonated in sync with the sound of the tap water. He was sweating. Sweating through each skin pore of his forehead.

The woman had raced to the door till this time. She was panting with the effort she made on the stairs to reach the door as quickly as possible. And then as she was ready to open the door with the key, the phone in the house rang. George leapt and almost made a cry of fear. He was waiting with the scintillating knife in his hand. He couldnt get distracted by the phone, he had to be focused.

The door lock made a clacking noise, George fumbled from his position a bit but recovered. The phone was honking, crying to be picked up like a baby. The woman hurried with the keys, she was sure it was her son calling...
But little did she know that a guy with a derisive smirk was awaiting her. Yes, George was there- right there -waiting for his victim. He so loved this - he loved to see the expressions on his victims face. All the week he had dreamt of this place appareled with a lady wearing a shock expression on her face. Just imagining her shocked face brought goose bumps. George recovered himself for a final prayer with a cunning smile, one of intent!

To be continued ...

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

The Opening

I was there -- right there - on the block again. Found myself in the same situation as yesterday. Waiting, waiting -- thinking whether today is THE day ?

Somewhere there was water, turbulent water -- water waiting to gulp down whatever comes its way. The water was angry that day my friends.
There were lot of people around, there was a real buzz of excitement in the air.

I made my last prayers - prayers Federer must have made before his Roddick encounter. Knowing the fact that you will be suspended in air in few seconds is horrendous.
The apprehension was a dire one. But this was it, i was not going to bend now under the fright. I was in a way looking forward to the flight.

Then came the moment, my feet were off the ground. I was plunged backwards in air, belly facing the sky, my body imitated an arc,feet parallel to the ground and hands making an angle of 60 -- half way through, the air felt cool, things seemed to have stopped to a stand still - am I dead ? is this how death feels ?
maybe I was in heaven !

Boom! My blissful thoughts were interrupted -- bang -- I landed. I was trembling, i went in hands first, head and torso with legs following in.
I went straight into the chasm, -- right to the bottom, I could feel the abyssal depth, my feet kissed the bottom floor.

With a spasmodic jerk my feet kicked, kick of such strength -- I was going up like a missile - like Superman used to do before his flight.

My nose throwing out blobs of air, my eyes wide shut , was it a dream or am i really dying ?! I tried to open my eyes praying it was a dream, to find to find myself in the bed -but that was not the case.
It was for real. I had stopped breathing by now. This was my last thought before my head came up and I opened my mouth like a lion's-yawn to take in air.
Was the first time air tasted this nice, so surreal.

With sore eyes I looked at my friend who had put up a grisly face. He clapped as his expression changed from 0 to 1.
Thankfully it was water -- Finally I had manged the back-dive in the pool. phew!

(I was trying that for a week...boy its difficult!)

Tuesday, July 7, 2009


I have always longed for a "secretary". That has been my childhood fantacy or you can say an obsession. Why cant normal people have secretaries ? Do you always have to be abnormal like your boss to have secretaries ?! Imagine if I had a secretary at my job right now who would be composing mails for me, getting prints for me, reminding me for meeting, arranging papers for me. She would be right by my side through out the day !(ahem ahem..)
How can one even work with "nice" lady secretary around ? This is like making a deer and a lion work together.. Which one is the deer and which one the lion is a choice i leave upto you to decide !
Its like having a cake too cute to be cut and eaten. Its a juxtaposition of two antithetic purposes. The sole aim of having a secretary is to make the individual more productive and proactive (note: shouldnt be read as - reproductive and procreative) But the irony is , 11 out of 10 times the boss becomes impotent (in terms of work of course)
There should be a statue codifying the laws for being qualified as a secretary :
1. (the most important) Should not be attractive at all
2. Disqualifies if she has a good figure (even if she is not attractive!.. cause we can sacrifice that for a good body sometimes)
3. Not a sweet talker. No! (we cant work around these types)
4. Thou shall not reveal any body part unless an indispensable necessity.
5. Should preferably have a boy friend before hand.
6. Should never ask for sympathy in her low times (else we cant control ourselves in such scenarios!)
7. Should be twice as age of the boss. If not then refer points 1,2,3,4,5.

Monday, July 6, 2009

Excretion En-light-ened

Humans emit all kinds of waste forms. Humans are like God's Cavia cobaya , God's Guinea pigs. Every time God invented a new form of matter it was tested by dumping it into a human mouth. And the results which came out decided whether that material passed or not. Humans emit all possible forms of matter. We eat every possible form, we excrete every possible form.We excrete plants, excrete animals, we excrete minerals, excrete fibers ...we egest matter in all forms - solid, liquid and our favorite- gas too ! And as a matter of fact or rather fact of matter.. we have gel coming out to - thats why we were given the organ between our temple and lips. And wax through our ears.
In one aspect we were left behind -- Light. Why did we lose the bid on light ?! Why dont we somehow emit light ?... It would have been cool to excrete that form too ! wouldnt it ?
One would go , " I have to go 'lighten' , excess light is harmful you know - as holding urine is harmful to the bladder". Now what would have been the source of outlet there ?! Maybe the omphalos (the bellybutton).

It would have been really helpful in times of darkness if one was able to excrete light as a waste product from his body. Torch would never had been invented.

Or.. or..maybe the Halo was a failed experiment of God which demonstrated the excretion of light.

Friday, July 3, 2009

The Chosen Ones

Ever been at a waiting queue at a hotel? There are 2 kinds of people there. One who have just eaten and are coming out ... they have a look of contempt, a pooh-pooh look, a look saying "Look at those people in the waiting queue .. dont they have anything better to do ?!" . I feel it is apt to call the people in the waiting queue as "waiters" rather than the ones who serve food... And then there is this other kind, the Second ones who are just transformed from the "waiter's " role to the guest of honor role. These are the ones whose turn is on, who are called as there is a free table. Every seen the look on these peoples' face? Its a look of "The Chosen One" - a pompous walk, a strut. Its not like they are the chosen ones to meet Penelope Cruz or something. But these little victories constitute life I guess. Everyone wants a podium to declare "I am a winner" ;)

Wednesday, July 1, 2009


Ever wondered whether you see the same color as green; as your boss sees it ? Its relative isnt it. (I know in case of boss no matter what color he sees, you will agree with him.. but thats a different case altogether).
Maybe what you are seeing as green may not be what others see, but it maybe the case that they have a different definition of green. So it can be - what we both might see as green can be very different to our eyes! But since we are bought up defining this as green - so we are calling it as green. Maybe a blue to me is a green for you and vice versa . And the funny thing is we cant verify this !
To me this is Relativity !
Einstein was always right about Relativity i guess. Everything is relative :)
Give it a thought ..
PS: btw I have no particular bias for green!