Secretary

I have always longed for a "secretary". That has been my childhood fantacy or you can say an obsession. Why cant normal people have secretaries ? Do you always have to be abnormal like your boss to have secretaries ?! Imagine if I had a secretary at my job right now who would be composing mails for me, getting prints for me, reminding me for meeting, arranging papers for me. She would be right by my side through out the day !(ahem ahem..)
How can one even work with "nice" lady secretary around ? This is like making a deer and a lion work together.. Which one is the deer and which one the lion is a choice i leave upto you to decide !
Its like having a cake too cute to be cut and eaten. Its a juxtaposition of two antithetic purposes. The sole aim of having a secretary is to make the individual more productive and proactive (note: shouldnt be read as - reproductive and procreative) But the irony is , 11 out of 10 times the boss becomes impotent (in terms of work of course)
There should be a statue codifying the laws for being qualified as a secretary :
1. (the most important) Should not be attractive at all
2. Disqualifies if she has a good figure (even if she is not attractive!.. cause we can sacrifice that for a good body sometimes)
3. Not a sweet talker. No! (we cant work around these types)
4. Thou shall not reveal any body part unless an indispensable necessity.
5. Should preferably have a boy friend before hand.
6. Should never ask for sympathy in her low times (else we cant control ourselves in such scenarios!)
7. Should be twice as age of the boss. If not then refer points 1,2,3,4,5.